E.12 Cultivate Compassion + Bonus Episode Compassion in Practice

Episode Twelve is all about cultivating compassion in our homes. The purpose with which we innovate and teach is to raise compassionate people who love and serve others. Yet, sometimes our own bias can get in the way of teaching them what we value most. Check out the episode on the podcast page to learn more about how to cultivate compassion in the home or read the transcript below and challenge your self to honestly reflect on conscious or unconscious bias you may hold against another race, sex, religion, or culture that could be holding you back from full embracing the beauty of this world.

Then explore compassion a little further with the bonus episode! (Transcript below E.12)

Outline Transcript of Episode 12

Now every week in the intro you hear the mission of hatching curiosity. To cultivate innovation through curiosity, creativity, and critical thinking. Yet all of this ambition will do no GOOD in the world without compassion. I like to call these the 4 C’s of education. Curiosity, Creativity, Critical thinking, and compassion. A better word would be Empathy but that would mess up this whole C thing I’ve got going on here.

·         I feel like to some degree I don’t need to create a hugely compelling argument for compassion. That taking care of each other is a universally understood need. According to Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, the need to feel loved, connected and belong rests just above our physical needs and safety.

·         Right now, as we study Asia, we are talking about the many world religions across the continent: Christianity, Judaism, Islam, Hinduism, and Buddhism. Inevitably we touch on the golden rule: Do unto others as you would have others do unto you. This concept is found in every major world religion. As humans we understand the need to think of others and treat them with respect and compassion, to try to see things from their point of view.

·         I asked several moms what the most important thing their kids would be when they grew up and among other amazing character traits this is what I heard most:

1.       Insert different voices talking about being kind, empathetic, compassionate, good people.

·         Universally we want our kids to grow up thinking of others and generally when they come from loving homes they will.

·         Yet in practice, this doesn’t always happen. The newspapers are plastered with racist, sexist, hateful crimes rooted in ignorance. In our own neighborhoods, otherwise good people, get caught in an us vs them mentality against one group or another and reserve their charity only for economically, physically, or ideally similar neighbors.

·         Even in loving homes the little bugs of selfishness, pride, and ignorance can seep in.

1.       How many of us have seen the Christmas list gets longer and longer as they become more and more possessive?

2.       An older sibling watches their little brother cry with frustration over things they could help with.

3.       Kids refuse to try new foods because it looks weird.

4.       Or stare at someone different than them.

5.       Even off-handed comments like “You run like a girl” or “Boys don’t… xyz” can plant the seeds of sexism as they are repeated over time.

·         Now before you get totally discouraged, all kids do these things to some degree because:

1.       First, they are human. Humans are selfish, have pride, and are ignorant. Despite our best efforts, it’s just part of being human to be imperfect and kids are just tiny humans learning the rules of our society.

2.       You teach them the rules of society through modeling, correcting, and teaching the concept of manners. The best definition I’ve heard for manners is “Having good manners is making petty sacrifices for the comfort of others”. Learning how to be gracious in uncomfortable situations will come with time and practice.

3.       Secondly, when children are young it is the PRIME time to teach them right from wrong. To young children, things are very black and white. They find joy in expressing their understanding of what is good and right and often in doing so they contrast it with something different as being bad and wrong.

·         So how do you teach your children your values without putting others down? What you know to be right, yet preserving their ability to seek to understand others before judging them?

1.       We’ve all been there for example where our kid will NOT stop drawing on themselves. We stress the importance of keeping our body clean, drawing is for paper, our body is perfect just the way it is, and it doesn’t need marks on it. Then we go to the grocery store and our kid sees someone with tattoo sleeves.

“Mommy why did that man draw on himself?

“Shh!”

“You need to go wash your arms. That was very naughty.”

 “SHH.”

“I can’t wash my arms they are tattoos.”

“What’s a tattoo?”

“It’s a mark that doesn’t come off.”

“My mommy says that my body perfect just the way it is and that marking on it is wrong. You should not have tattoos. Tattoos are bad.”

Meanwhile *mom has already disappeared into the cereal display behind her in horror*

2.       Obviously. In this scenario, if your family doesn’t believe in tattoos, mom doesn’t want to turn around and teach her daughter that it is totally cool to have tattoos. Mixed messages are never a good thing, and if she really believes tattoos are wrong, she would want to teach her daughter the same values. Yet, we really don’t want to be chastising strangers in the grocery store or judging their entire character later because of one decision that is different from our own. If the conversation ends there the girl will keep thinking that the person with tattoos is “naughty” and may falsely tie other “naughty” things to people with tattoos. Eventually, she could end up subconsciously fearing people with tattoos instead of giving them a chance to judge them on their character and behavior. In this instance, the daughter provided a beautiful opportunity for the mother to model compassion by explaining that just because we don’t mark our body doesn’t mean that people who do are bad people.

3.       A more positive example is one from my nephew. My in-laws believe that drinking Coffee is wrong. One day he was in my house and saw the coffee pot on the counter. He said:

“Do you drink coffee?”

I said, “No, your uncle does.”

“So, Dad’s drink coffee?”

“Some dads do.”

 “My Dad doesn’t” *…pause as he processes his thoughts….*  “but that’s okay different people make different choices”

Oh, my heart! If the whole world could do this, it would CHANGE EVERYTHING.

4.       One of the BIGGEST things you can do to teach compassion is to teach your kids right from wrong but that other people view things differently, and that’s okay. It is great to share your ideas and beliefs as long as you are willing to listen too. That differences in appearance, lifestyle, or beliefs do not mean that they are bad people. Just that they make different choices or appear different.

5.       The way you approach an idealistic difference is by explaining your values and why you have them to encourage them to follow those same values but also explain that even if someone does something different, they can still be a good person.

6.       With physical differences I always like to tell my kids that we are just made that way and compare other differences between people “some people are tall, some people are short, some are fast, some are slow, some have blue eyes some have brown eyes, some have white skin some have browns skin, etc” adding whatever difference they are concerned about at that moment at the end. Sometimes it can lead to other discussions and I just try to be factual. Explain the differences of melatonin, how fat is formed, where babies come from, how sometimes after an accident an arm can’t be saved and has to be amputated” then focus on what we have in common to bridge the difference.

7.       This Martin Luther King Day I played a portion of the “I Have a Dream” speech for my children. “I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character. I have a dream that… little black boys and black girls will join hands with little white boys and white girls as sisters and brothers”. It was so beautiful and so profound that even not knowing the context of the speech my young children were moved by his words. We all want this to be true. To make his dream a reality though we need to be aware of the messages we are sending our children. Who is “Scary”?  who is “Wrong”? who is “Bad”? There are things in this world that are wrong, and we absolutely need to stand up for what is right. We just need to be careful that in teaching our children right from wrong that we don’t inadvertently tie bias into those teachings.

8.       At the heart of this is framing how we view “different”

·         Beyond teaching them that diversity of opinions and appearance exists, we need to help them to see the beauty in diversity.

1.       If you do not live a very diverse neighborhood. Travel. If you cannot travel, at the very least expose them to different cultures and races through books, movies, and other experiences. Include women’s and black history as part of your regular history studies. Try celebrating holidays from around the world or trying food from other countries.

2.       A lot of how they will view the world will come from how you interact with it. Are new things scary, gross, weird, or wrong? Or are they new, exciting, or interesting? Pay attention to how you react in situations you don’t typically find yourself in. Compliment different cultures on the beauty you see in them- is the music lively? Are the homes colorful and bright? Is their food rich and flavorful? Is their black hair beautiful and smooth, do their green eyes change color in the light? Do they have a reverence and respect for their elders? What good can you find?

3.       And What connections can you make? Focusing on similarities over differences can build relationships faster than anything else. It’s funny how closing the gap between people can open the world to your little ones. “Hey look, they love soccer too.” Or “Wow we both believe in God” or “Man that food looks delicious! I wonder how they made it?”

4.       This is why Geography is SO important. Knowing other places makes them feel at home wherever they are.

·         Love leads to compassion

1.       Once they feel at home and connected with others, see the beauty in their differences, and really start to know them then they start to Love them.

2.       When there is love they really seek for understanding. This seeking for understanding comes from a place of genuine curiosity and empathy.

3.       Once they understand them, they will want to help them reach their goals and live their truth. Understanding dispels fear and will heal the world one interaction at a time.

·         This compassion can work in your own walls by making connections and celebrating differences between siblings or extend across the world by offering meaningful service and aid abroad.

·         As you cultivate compassion you’ll notice your kids are slower to judge, seek to understand then to be understood, serve others, view the world with curiosity and optimism, but most importantly they will love people and help them to love themselves.

·         And that is POWERFUL stuff.

·         We have all had someone in our lives who have spoken life into us. Who has seen the diamond under our rough and has pointed it out to us and helped us step into that person. Compassion is at the heart of seeing the beauty in others. If we can learn to be compassionate, as we innovate we will create products and services that will help others rise into the better version of themselves. Every generation that helps a minority rise by really seeing them as strong, beautiful, capable people slowly heals the tears in our society. Every person who sets their fears and their pride aside to see those other worldviews may be different but also have light and value in them strips power from the politics that pit us against each other. 

·         Love is the one great truth. We all know it, it’s just a matter of overcoming our own bias, habits, and fears so that our kids are free to see the world as it is. A beautiful, diverse, curious place. To cultivate this compassion: teach them manners, right from wrong, how to be gracious, slow to judge, and that different is good. Show them how to love new things and embrace new people.

Until the next episode, always choose kind and stay curious. Compassion will follow.

Bonus Episode! Compassion in Practice

You’re listening to a Bonus episode about compassion in practice.

My latest episode focused on viewing diversity with love and an open mind. Having compassion for people and helping others to see that same beauty in themselves. Today I just wanted to touch on the other aspects of compassion.

As I put together the cover images for these episodes, I found a darling picture of my son playing with a worm while holding his pet dinosaur. It reminded me of a conversation we had yesterday morning on a long car ride. He asked me what a “Love expert” was (after watching Frozen). I told him that a love expert was someone who knows all about love and that I bet he could be one, one day. He said, “How?” I said because he loves his brothers, cousins, and dad and that SO many people love him. He smiled quietly for a minute and said “I also love nature. Even the mean animals. I love them because they need love too and I love everything outside.” So cute! And so true. This kid was a born naturalist. He was a fussy baby but the one sure-fire way to calm him down was to take him outside and lay him on a blanket under a tree. He notices things that other kids miss because being outside heightens his senses and is where he is his best self. I say these things not to go on and on about my son but to illustrate that where we place our affections and time our hearts will follow. In our home, most of my children’s happiest memories are outside and nature has a special place in their hearts because of it. Having a love for nature will make him more compassionate to animals and a better steward over his land. He will want to learn more about it and how to protect and preserve it. His love will turn to compassion, and his compassion will lead to understanding.

If you want your child to love the outdoors you need to spend time outdoors and respect nature when you are in it. If you want your child to love cooking you need to cook together, grow a garden or shop together and create positive memories around this habit so that cooking will lie with their affections. If you want your child to love to read, then read to them when they are little and those cozy snuggles will stick with them as they crack open their own books and the familiar smell of the pages waft up.

Guiding their affections will help them become compassionate because they will love and understand those things better than the things, they are less familiar with or fond of.

Compassion can be defined as “compelled with love”. You can have compassion for other people, you can have compassion for animals, nature, and the arts.

To raise compassionate people, you need to choose what you want them to have a love for and spend your time doing those things. Let’s say for example you want them to have compassion for people in a water crisis.  First, they need to know the people in crisis. You can accomplish this by visiting rural African and Asian communities, watching videos, reading books, speaking with people who have firsthand accounts. In doing this you’ll seek to make connections. What do you have in common, what is beautiful about your differences? Make it personal focus on children with your children so they can see themselves in the other kids’ shoes. Once you’ve made a connection and they have started to love the people, you can introduce the problem. They need to understand what the water crisis is. Talk about how you get water and how they get water. Help them to discover the problem for themselves, illustrate it for them, or listen to a firsthand account if you can. The closer they can get to “experiencing” the problem through the eyes of their friends the more meaningful it will be to them. At this point, if you’ve done a good job of directing their affections, they will naturally feel compassionate or compelled with love. Now, this is where the magic happens. Compelled by love they will seek to learn more and act on that knowledge to serve and bless others.

In an Oceania class, we dove deep into the coral reefs and the kids fell in love with the sea. On one of the days, we spoke about the issue with coral bleaching and loss of habitat. The kids were heartbroken that this “rainforest of the sea” was disappearing at the alarming rate that it is and demanded to know why. I explained several of the reasons and they decided together that they were going to find a way to clean the oceans. They brainstormed and debated together for a good 15 minutes until class ended. Months later my 7-year-old was still coming to me with ideas of how to clean the oceans. They had developed compassion for this cause by forming a love for the place and the animals in it.

Is this a fast process? Not always. It can take years. But the point is that teaching kids to love by overcoming bias and really seeing the beauty in things is the first step to raising compassionate, loving, and charitable people.

These feelings of compassion will lead to the types of passion projects, service, and innovative problem solving that will change the world.

There is a company called Loop that I have been following on social media for a while. Their mission is to change how packaging is done across the globe and they have a LOT of momentum. The owner has a love for the earth, saw the problem that disposable packaging is causing with pollution and waste of resources, and then moved on that compassion. With an ambitious and creative strategy to work with the current commercial giants to affect a large scale change over to reusable and recyclable packaging. In a relatively short amount of time he has partnered with brands like Procter & Gamble, Walmart, Target, and others in multiple countries to make reusable packaging a viable alternative to disposable. What is inspiring about this story, aside from the soft spot I have for the environment, is the effects of his compassion. His love turned to compassion, and his compassion turned to innovative action.

To take compassion to the next level, the level of service and action is where a family mission comes in handy. Decide together what you love, value and are passionate about. Identify problems that these causes, people, places, activities may have. Then make a plan, think of what current solutions have been suggested, come up with new ones on your own. Make a conscious effort to work the plan together. What small repeatable steps can you do to help move the needle on a problem you identified? Is the problem one you can act on immediately? or as it comes up? Working and serving together only deepens your love and compassion for your cause and for each other.

If you haven’t noticed already you can see the 4C’s of education at work here. The curiosity that leads to compassion. The compassion that leads to critical thinking the creativity that solves the problems that the critical thinking dug up. Compassion, as it compels people with love, can be a huge motivator for change and innovation and it starts with love. Raising loving people is reason enough to practice compassion, but to raising truly compassionate people can change the world.

I would seriously LOVE to hear what your family is compassionate about, please share your family’s passion projects with me on Instagram @hatchngcuriosity.

Until next time, stay curious, and compassion will follow.